Escape to Paradise: Plaza Pelicanos' ALL-INCLUSIVE Puerto Vallarta Luxury!
Review: The (Let's Just Call it "The Grand Splendiferous") Hotel - A Haphazard, But Honestly Alright, Stay
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because this isn't your perfectly polished travel brochure review. This is real talk, folks. We just wrapped up a stay at The Grand Splendiferous (which, let's be honest, is a terrible name. Felt very "pretentious cat trying to sound posh"). I’m still unpacking, mentally and physically, and figured I'd spew forth my gut reactions.
Accessibility: A Mixed Bag (Like My Last Relationships)
Okay, first things first: Accessibility. They say they're accessible. And indeed, they have elevators. Yay, me! I saw a ramp in the lobby, which is a grand start. BUT… did I really check every nook and cranny? No, I didn't. Frankly, by day three, I was more concerned with finding the perfect shade of beige for my Instagram stories (don't judge!). I did see what looked like a reasonable entrance, and the reception staff were helpful with my luggage, so that's a positive. Still, a deeper dive from someone who needs proper accessibility is crucial. I'll give it a tentative thumbs-up, with a very big asterisk.
On-Site Eats & Drinks: Blessedly Plentiful, But…
So, the restaurants/lounges situation was decent. They had a bewildering number of options. Restaurants? Plural! Bar? Check. Poolside bar? Oh, yes, blessedly so. I'm a big fan of a cocktail with my toes in the water. The coffee shop was my daily pitstop (extra shot, always!), but the coffee was… well, let's just say it wasn't Italian artisanal perfection. More like "sufficient to keep me from turning into a complete zombie." (See: lack of sleep from aforementioned Instagram obsession).
Food-Wise, Here’s the Deal:
- A la carte? Definitely. Though the menu was so extensive, it could overwhelm a seasoned food critic.
- Buffet? Yep, for breakfast (more on that later).
- Asian cuisine? Present and accounted for.
- International cuisine? Also present, in a baffling array of options.
- Vegetarian? Yup, plenty to keep my friend Sally (who survived on leaves and good vibes) from starving.
Okay, real talk about that buffet breakfast. It was… a battlefield. Plates clanging, kids running around, and the sheer quantity of food was intimidating. Now, I love a good breakfast spread. I do. But the scramble for the omelet station? The unspoken competition for the last croissant? Let's just say it brought out a shade of my personality that I usually keep under wraps. I did snag a delicious little pastry that had me thinking, "Maybe this is worth the chaos".
One thing I will say is that they had alternative meal arrangements available, which is always a positive. And I did have one amazing salad with grilled chicken at the poolside bar. Truly divine.
Wheelchair Accessibility (Deep Breath)
I can't give definitive answers, but based on what I saw, they are trying, but not perfect.
Internet: Hallelujah! (Mostly)
Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! Praise be! A crucial feature in this digital age. The Wi-Fi was pretty reliable, honestly. I managed to actually upload a few Insta stories without the dreaded buffering circle of doom. Internet access [LAN] also available, for those who still like a physical connection. I didn't use it, because, let's face it, who does?
Things to Do (Or, My Attempts at Relaxation)
This is where things got interesting. I’m not generally a “spa person.” Mostly, if you put me in a robe, the only thing I’m actually relaxing is my grip, and the next thing you know, I'm dropping the remote directly into the tub. But, hey, I was trying.
- Fitness center? Existing. I peeked in, and it had the usual machines. Didn’t use it. (See above: bathrobes and remotes.)
- Swimming pool [outdoor]? Lovely. And a pool with a view. It was nice and they had poolside bar, cocktails at the ready.
- Sauna, Spa, Spa/Sauna & Steamroom? Yes, yes, and yes. I actually braved the sauna one afternoon. It was hot. I lasted about seven minutes. My skin, however, enjoyed it. I'm going to go out on a limb right here and say my experience with the Body scrub and Body wrap was pretty good.
Cleanliness & Safety: The New Normal
Okay, I'm a bit of a germaphobe, so I was checking everything. And The Grand Splendiferous (still not a fan) actually did pretty well.
- Anti-viral cleaning products? Seemed to be in use. (I didn’t lick the surfaces to be sure, though… I can neither confirm or deny).
- Breakfast takeaway service? A godsend, if you're rushing or just want to eat your breakfast in peace.
- Cashless payment service? Absolutely! (Good for my fear of handling cash).
- Daily disinfection in common areas? Seemed to be happening.
- Hand sanitizer? Abundant.
- Hot water linen and laundry washing? Hopefully!
- Hygiene certification? They had them. I didn't study them for hours, though.
- Individually-wrapped food options? Present, thank goodness.
- Physical distancing of at least 1 meter? Attempted. Sometimes more successful than others, let's be honest.
- Room sanitization opt-out available? Nice.
- Rooms sanitized between stays? I'm sure they did!
- Staff trained in safety protocol? Seemed like it.
- Sanitized kitchen and tableware items? I didn’t have any food poisoning, so that's a good sign.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: The Good, the Bad, and the… More-Than-Sufficient
I already covered the breakfast buffet (shudders). Let's just say it was a cultural experience in its own right. The Happy hour at the bar was a highlight, particularly the second night, when I may or may not have indulged in a few too many margaritas. The snack bar was a lifesaver for those late-night cravings. And the fact that they have 24-hour room service is a straight-up gift from the gods, honestly. Especially that time when I couldn’t sleep and ordered a club sandwich at 3 am.
Services and Conveniences: The Small Things That Matter
- Air conditioning in public area? Thank the heavens.
- Concierge? Helpful, but not overly chatty. Which I preferred.
- Daily housekeeping? Spot on. My room was always tidy.
- Elevator? Present. Essential.
- Ironing service & Laundry service? Did not avail myself of either, but they were there.
- Luggage storage? Handy for those early check-ins and late check-outs.
- Safety deposit boxes? Secure, of course. Never used them.
- Smoking area? Exist.
- Terrace? Lovely for a morning cuppa (if the birds don't steal your pastries, that is).
For the Kids:
I don't have any, but they seemed family-friendly. They had a babysitting service, which is always handy.
Rooms: My Personal Oasis (Eventually)
- Air conditioning? Crucial.
- Blackout curtains? Blessed.
- Coffee/tea maker? Essential.
- Free bottled water? Always welcome.
- Internet access – Wireless? Worked perfectly
- Mini bar? Moderately stocked.
- Non-smoking? They take this seriously.
- Room decorations? Nothing too offensive.
- Shower? Fine.
- Wi-Fi [free]? Excellent.
Honestly, my room was perfectly fine. Comfortable bed, decent view (of the pool, which was a win). It wasn't luxurious, but it was clean and quiet. I felt safe.
Getting Around: The Travel Dance
- Airport transfer? Available.
- Car park [free of charge]? Win!
- Taxi service? Yes.
The Final Verdict?
The Grand Splendiferous… is not without its quirks. And frankly, the name is still awful. But overall, it's a solid choice. It's not perfect. It's not a five-star experience. But it's comfortable, convenient, and does a decent job of making you feel like you'
Baltimore's BEST Kept Secret? This Hotel Will SHOCK You!
Okay, buckle up buttercups! This isn't your sterile, perfectly-planned brochure itinerary. This is me, in Puerto Vallarta, probably slightly sunburned and definitely fueled by margaritas. Here's how my slightly-unhinged week at Plaza Pelicanos Club Beach Resort is actually shaping up…
PLAZA PELICANOS: A Week of Sun, Sand, and… Questionable Decisions (Probably Mine)
Day 1: Arrival - The "Everything's Shiny and New" Phase
- Morning (Because jet lag DOES NOT care about your plans): Land in Puerto Vallarta. The humidity hits you like a warm, boozy hug. The airport is chaos. I swear, a donkey could walk through security unnoticed. Found my transfer – a slightly-too-eager driver named Javier who kept calling me "mi amor." I swear, I'm not even that charming, it's the heat!
- Afternoon (Room Check-in, aka the "Is This Heaven?" Moment ): Arrive at Plaza Pelicanos. The lobby is… well, it's a lobby. But the ocean view from my room? Screams. Seriously, I stood there for a good five minutes just staring. (Okay, maybe ten. I dropped my phone and had a minor panic attack about the possibility of shattering it on the tile floor.) Unpack, put on swimsuit. This is progress!
- Evening (First Margarita, First Disappointment): Explore the resort, find a bar. Order a margarita. It's… okay. Not the mind-blowing, life-altering margarita of my dreams. (Note to self: Investigate local margarita-making secrets.) Scope out dinner. My stomach rumbles. I choose the buffet because it's easy. I may or may not have eaten enough tacos to feed a small army. Regret sets in quickly. It's all good, I'll be wearing swimsuits all day.
- Night (That time the ocean and margaritas convinced me to do something dumb): Ocean, margaritas, and the full moon got the best of me. I ended up skinny-dipping with a group of strangers. No regrets. Maybe? Okay, definitely some.
Day 2: Beach Bliss (and the Quest for the Perfect Beach Read)
- Morning (Sunscreen SOS): Wake up feeling like a slightly-cooked lobster. Realize I skipped applying sunscreen on my shoulders. Ouch. Spend the morning slathering myself in aloe vera and swearing off the sun…for at least five minutes.
- Afternoon (The Great Beach Read Hunt): Hit the beach. It's gorgeous. Sun, sand, the rhythmic crash of waves… and the relentless salesmen. "Massage? Banana boat? Jet ski?" Trying to find a quiet patch of sand and my perfect beach read. I found a book. The beach read is a little boring. I am sleepy.
- Evening (Seafood and Sunset): Dinner at a beachfront restaurant. Fresh seafood, toes digging into the sand, a breathtaking sunset… pure magic. This is why I travel! (And also why I blow my budget on shrimp tacos. Worth it.) Tonight's the night that some mariachi band will ask for tips, so I should have some cash ready.
Day 3: Adventure (and the Fear of Heights)
- Morning (Preparing for a zipline, aka, the "holy crap I'm going to die" stage): Booked a ziplining tour through the jungle. Now, I'm not exactly known for my bravery, and heights? Let's just say I'm not a fan. Spend the morning mentally preparing myself. Maybe I'll just fake a sudden illness? No. Do it.
- Afternoon (Ziplining, Screaming, and Mild Triumph): The ziplining tour was the most terrifying and exhilarating thing I've ever done. There were moments I screamed like a banshee, moments I questioned my sanity, and one glorious moment where I actually felt like I could fly. (Later, I found out the group thought I was the worst one.)
- Evening (Recovery Mode): After that adrenaline rush, I took a long nap, followed by a super early dinner at the buffet. I can't look at those chicken strips the same way. I think I'll have a relaxing night, maybe a movie, or an early night.
Day 4: Pool Day (and the Great Towel Heist Conspiracy)
- Morning (Poolside Paradise, and the Quest for a Lounge Chair): Spend the morning by the pool. The resort has a towel policy. I'm still figuring it out. It's a free-for-all. After a brief but intense battle, I secured a lounge chair. Victory is mine!
- Afternoon (That time I spent an hour in the pool, and met a man from Ohio): Spent the afternoon lounging by the pool, reading the boring self-help book. I met a man from Ohio who told me all about his stamp collection. Very nice.
- Evening (Trying to watch the sunset, or not.): Find a good spot for sunset-watching with a drink. Attempt some yoga on the beach. Fall over. Laugh. Repeat. I just wanted to capture that perfect Instagram shot, and failed so hard.
Day 5: Exploring Puerto Vallarta (And Getting Lost… Intentionally)
- Morning (Old Town Wanderings): Take a taxi into Puerto Vallarta's Old Town. Wander the cobblestone streets, browse the colorful shops, and inhale the aroma of street food. Feel like I'm in a movie.
- Afternoon (The "Off the Beaten Path" Adventure): Intentionally get lost. Ask a friendly local for directions, then promptly ignore them and go in the opposite direction. Discover a hidden courtyard filled with bougainvillea. Absolutely worth it. Try to navigate the bus transit, and start a long conversation with the bus driver, who just looks at me and shakes his head.
- Evening (Dinner and Dancing!): Find a cute restaurant with live music. Try to dance, fail spectacularly, and laugh my head off. Make friends with a group of locals, and attempt to learn some salsa moves. Maybe I'll move back to Mexico?
Day 6: Relax, Repeat (and That Time I Tried a Spicy Pepper)
- Morning (Sleeping in): I overdid it last night. I slept in.
- Afternoon (Poolside Perfection - Part Deux): Back to the pool. This time, I'm determined to perfect the art of lounging. Success! (Okay, maybe I still spent half the time worrying about whether my book was getting sand on it.) The hotel has an "all-inclusive" food option, I ate some spicy peppers.
- Evening (Farewell Dinner… And the Sudden Realization): Enjoy a final delicious dinner at a restaurant overlooking the ocean. Sip a final margarita, thinking about how fast the week has flown by. Feeling a twinge of sadness. This is when I realized I should've booked a massage.
- Night (That time I tried to order room service, and failed): Went back to my room, and decided to order room service. I spoke to a woman who didn't seem to understand English, or Spanish. Gave up and went to bed.
Day 7: Departure - The "Goodbye, You Beautiful Mess" Phase
- Morning (Packing, and a Moment of Sudden Clarity): Pack my bags. Wonder how I'm going to live without those ocean views and the endless supply of tacos. Spend an hour staring at the ocean, contemplating life choices.
- Afternoon (Last-Minute Souvenir Shopping, and a Final, Guilt-Free Margarita): Panic-buy souvenirs. Head to the pool one last time. Say goodbye to Javier (and dodge his enthusiastic hugs). One last margarita. This time, it's perfect.
- Evening (Departure and the Promise to Return): Head to the airport. Reflect on the week. It wasn't perfect, not even close. There were sunburns, questionable decisions, moments of sheer terror, and the occasional existential crisis. But it was mine. And I wouldn't trade a single, slightly-messy, gloriously imperfect moment. Until next time, Puerto Vallarta! You beautiful, chaotic mess.
Okay, but seriously, what *is* the point of all this?
Ugh, fine. You want a straight answer? Let's just say whatever is on your mind can be anything. Life is short, and questions, well, they just pile up. So might as well get them out. (And maybe, just maybe, find some half-decent answers. Emphasis on *maybe*.) Honestly, being asked this question makes me feel like I'm back in college, frantically trying to explain my avant-garde performance art piece to a bunch of confused art history majors. It's like, "Look, just… appreciate the mess!"
What am I *supposed* to do after I read this?
That, my friend, is the million-dollar question! You could feel enlightened. You could feel utterly bewildered. You could feel a sudden craving for pizza (it happens). Basically, do whatever the heck you *want*. Maybe you reflect. Maybe you disagree vehemently and write your own furious blog post. Maybe you just... yawn and move on. I honestly, truly, couldn't care less. Your life, your reaction. Freedom! (Even if that freedom is just to binge-watch cat videos.)
What if I don't understand something? Did I miss something?
Honey, you probably *didn't* miss anything, because I often missed it myself when I was making this. Look, life is confusing. Writing is confusing. I'm certainly confusing. If you're lost, welcome to the club! We have jackets! Seriously, don't sweat it. Just reread a bit or move on, because... well, because who has time to be confused all day? (Okay, I do sometimes, but that's my problem.) Truthfully, and I'm being honest, the real gems in life are rarely understood the first time around. Think of a riddle that makes you think. It's like that.
Is this supposed to be funny?
Ugh, trying to be funny is *hard*. Okay, so my goal is to be amusing, in whatever twisted way my brain decides to process the world. If you cracked a smile, awesome. If you snorted uncontrollably, even better. If you just rolled your eyes... well, that's also a valid reaction. As long as you didn't fall asleep. That's the ultimate insult. So yes, the answer is a tentative 'yes'. Maybe. I'm not a clown, people! (Though, I do have a slightly clown-like tendency to make a mess).
Why are you even doing this? What's the point?
Oh, you want the existential answer? Fine. Because I have ideas exploding in my head, and this is the most (somewhat) socially acceptable way to let them out. Because sometimes, I just NEED to rant. Because maybe, just maybe, someone else will read this and think, "Hey, I'm not alone in this crazy world!" or, better yet, "Finally, someone who understands my deep, dark obsession with [insert your favorite weird thing here]". It's a selfish act disguised as a public service. There. Truth is out.
Okay, real question. How do I know if I'm doing life right or is that a dumb question?
HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, *that's* a good one. Like, the ULTIMATE question! Okay, I'll tell you a secret: Nobody knows. Seriously. Anyone who claims otherwise is lying, or sells crystals... or both. You are doing life "right" if you're not actively harming yourself or others. Beyond that, just try to be kind, learn a bit, make some mistakes, and (crucially) have *some* fun. Sometimes, the simplest answer is the best. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to binge-watch a bunch of videos.
Do you *really* believe all this stuff?
Oh, the million-dollar question, Part Two. Of course not all of it, or at least I *hope* not. I think a lot of it is based on my own experiences. It gets better when I look back, maybe because I have more time to reflect. I think. Sometimes, my brain just vomits out words, and I'm as surprised as you are. And yeah, sometimes I'm deeply serious, just hiding it with a layer of sarcasm and mild bewilderment. It's a coping mechanism! Now, let’s move on before it gets boring. I hope this helps. Or doesn’t. Whatever.
